26
Aug
11

Slowly but surely…

As the title suggests, I am slowly but surely working on the next mini-chapter. I’ve gotten some pictures taken and uploaded, and the text that has been written for nearly two years has finally been matched up with some pictures! I guess I have my grief to thank for breaking my machinomicsist’s (not a word, sue me) block…

I never thought of myself as a “Family Sim” but I guess that’s what I am. It took me and Sean nearly four years to have Andy (who is starting to walk and can say a few words, by the way!) after a miscarriage in 2006. When we started dating (in high school), we already knew that we wanted to have children someday. ‘Someday’ kept being put off due to illness, career changes, financial woes, and an all-over-sense of just not being ready yet. The 2006 pregnancy was not planned but that didn’t mean that the loss was any less devastating. I struggled with depression, guilt, anger, bitterness, etc. for a long time. I attempted suicide (my second real attempt) and when I failed, I still considered it daily. I am also a recovering cutter, so needless to say, I found myself steeped in that habit again. Something clicked in me. ‘NEED. BABY. NOW.’ I was about the most miserable person you could ever meet.

Then, finally, after years of trying and countless nights spent crying myself to sleep… we had Andy. This child saved my life. He will never know how much I love him and what having him in my life has done for me. “Blessing” and “miracle” and all those types of words apply to him. His laugh is the sound I’ve been waiting to hear my whole life.

As soon as he was born, Sean and I knew we wanted another one. We were told to wait until at least six months after Andy’s birth before we started trying. I counted down the days! And then, after four months of trying, we found out we were pregnant again! We told my parents, my sister, Sean’s sister, and his mom at Andy’s first birthday party (which was the day we found out we were expecting – June 4th; Andy turned 1 year old on June 1st). But not only were we going to make my parents grandparents again, but my sister was expecting too! My sister got married a month before Sean and I did way back in 1999, and she is seven years older than I am. She has a son, my nephew Cameron, who turns 10 next month! She and her husband thought their baby days were over, and weren’t planning on having any more. But she was excited to be pregnant again. I couldn’t believe I’d be pregnant along side my sister! And top that off with the fact that our due dates were only four days apart (she was due to have her baby on Feb 8th of next year, I was due Feb 12th).

Maybe you’ve noticed… I keep saying ‘was’ and ‘were’.

Last month, my sister started bleeding. We’d both been cramping a lot and I was scared to death but her doctor assured her that it was nothing to worry about. Rather than call my doctor, I listened to what my sister’s doctor told her. When she started bleeding she had to beg her doctor to see her and finally he did. They did an ultrasound and found that the baby’s heart had stopped nearly two weeks earlier. Her baby was dead. My mama called me and told me that they were performing a D&C on my sister the next day. I was devastated for her. My sister’s loss started stirring up in me all those feelings I had buried deep from the miscarriage in 2006. I had to call Sean to come home from work early as I didn’t want to be alone. I had already been depressed, and this didn’t help. The next morning all I could think about was my sister. I was having terrible cramps myself but my mind was on her. Sean was at work and Andy was having a nap when I went to the bathroom and discovered that I had passed a clot. I couldn’t breathe and I swear my heart stopped. I called Sean first and told him to get home right away and then I called my doctor. Two hours later… I’ll never forget how the ultrasound technician sounded when she said, “Oh Robin… I’m so sorry.” There was no heartbeat and there hadn’t been one for almost two weeks. The same as my sister. Sean and Andy were with me. In 2006 I was alone.

The next day I had a D&C. I had one in 2006 as well. When I walked into the little “room” and saw the gown I was to put on and the small bed I started having a panic attack. I had one of Andy’s toys with me and I held it tight.

It’s been over a month now and I still hurt everyday. I’ll never understand why, at least – not in my lifetime. Andy is now a middle child to no one, and we have two empty picture frames on the mantle next to his baby portrait. This hurts so much. The date that we were supposed to go hear the heartbeat for the first time has come and gone. Soon I should be finding out if I’m having a boy or a girl, but instead I’ll be at home crying and trying so hard to get Andy to let me hold him for more than a minute. Everyday I promise myself that I won’t cry, and everyday I break that promise. It can be the smallest of things that set me off. I’m back on the sleeping pills at night, and if I try not to take one – I just lay there, crying. I can’t bear silence in the house as I can’t bear to be alone with my thoughts. I still want more babies, but I’m terrified that this will happen again. I still haven’t decided if it’s worth trying. My sister’s not sure either. I guess I’m in aspiration failure.

As far as Sims go, all of this grief has loosened the block I had concerning the next mini-chapter. I try to work on it at least twice a week (whether it be text, picture taking, or at the very least, planning). There have been a few changes though, and I think there’s more than a few places where you can see my grief coming through.

I just wanted to check in with whoever might be out there, and let you all know what’s going on. I’m trying, guys. Please be patient. To everyone in the Sims community who already knew about this, thank you for being there for me and for your condolences. It means a lot! ((hugs))

EDIT: Okay, so I wanted this post to end on a happier note. Here’s a short video of Andy walking! It was taken a couple of days ago, Aug 24th. He usually does a better job, I think he was sort of playing around. Also, be warned – the sound is about a tenth of a second behind the video.

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Sim Goddess



Welcome to my blog! My name is Robin and I have been playing The Sims 2 since it was first released (September 13 2004 - technically it came out on the 14, but I had preordered it from EB Games so I got it a day early). Before that, I had been playing original Sims game since... 2000? 2001? I'm not quite sure, but I do remember having to wait for Hot Date to be released. So yeah, I've been playing Sims for years.

This blog, Shadows and Blood, is the home of my legacy (and sometimes some real life stuff too). What is a legacy? Oh, just look at my "Site-ations" list and you'll find a link. I don't have a link to the official site because it fails and I am against it (hence putting my story here, rather than on my Simpage).

So yeah, sit back and read my story. Tell me what you think (unless you think it blows - in that case, don't let the browser hit you in the ass on the way out... jk) or just stop by and say hello. Unlike my Sims, I don't bite.

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